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Now Playing…
.. Conversational Lush by Elle Varner. I have to admit, I had heard of her, but didn’t pay much attention to her(Okay, I’m funny acting about new artists, and I just didn’t bother), but I am so glad I did. I love this mixtape! It’s almost album quality, in my opinion, and it makes me really excited for her hopefully soon to be released album Perfectly Imperfect. I think the song ” Go” is my favorite, closely followed by “WTF” . You can download the mixtape here, and hopefully you will enjoy it as much as I do. It’s already in my most played list on iTunes, lol.
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So…
I could totally say that I’ve been too busy to keep up with posting, but I’m not a liar. The fact is I just haven’t much felt like writing. It’s the same shit over and over and who wants to read or write about that? I toyed with the idea of getting rid of the blog altogether, but it seemed so permanent and final, and anybody who knows me knows that I second third and fourth guess everything. Therefore I’m just going to use this place for whatever the hell I feel like, until I find out what I really want to do here. I’ll probably still whine and complain (because I am really good at that) but I also think I’ll talk about other stuff too, music, shoes, and my new obsession-makeup.
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Start Over
*Totally paying homage to Bey’s song with the same name*
Almost exactly three years ago, my best friend and I “broke up”. I say broke up because that’s exactly what it felt like. We had been friends over ten years and went through everything together: we grieved together after losing loved ones, high school graduations, and we graduated college around the same time. We consoled each other through actual breakups with wack ass niggas, traveled together, my parents loved her and her family accepted me too as a family member(complete with her big brother picking on me too) She was in the delivery room when I gave birth to my son and if I would have had to kick someone out, she would have stayed while the dad got the boot(not like he was there the whole day, but that’s a story for another day) She was Jay’s godmother, and a great one at that. I threw all that away over something so trivial, I don’t even want to talk about it.
Anywho, the past three years have been kinda crazy, as anybody who reads this ish, can attest to. And while I have made some AWESOME pals( Hi Sandra, Damey!) it just hasn’t been the same without my friend. There are things that I haven’t told anybody to this day just because it isn’t the same. Me being the stubborn brat I am, I refused to extend an olive branch, even though the fight was primarily my fault. I guess part of this growing up shit, led me to thinking about how short life really is, and holding on to bullshit is doing nothing but keeping stuck in the same place. I had actually wrote her a letter, and asked a mutual friend to get her info, so I could talk to her. For whatever reason,the mutual friend didn’t do that, and now I’m actually happy she didn’t.
Fast forward to yesterday. I was running my weekly errands, a little earlier than normal,when I ran into her. I actually stopped the car and walked over to her, probably scaring her a little bit. I didn’t know how she’d react, but she was actually happy to see me. We hugged and the first thing we both said was “I miss you”. We chatted a bit and she talked to Jay and we exchanged numbers. I told her later that I don’t expect things to be the same(although for some strange reason, I think eventually they will) and that I want to keep in touch. She agreed and said we definitely would.
I guess the lesson in all of this for me was 1. Stop being a brat and secondly, life is too short to stay focused on bullshit. I’m sitting here thinking of how if I had just calmed down after our fight, that maybe if I had called or saw her and apologized, things could have been different, and I wouldn’t have lost someone who was like a sister to me. So with that I plan to start over on a friendship that never should have ended in the first place.
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Random Thoughts 6/10/11
1. Please excuse my page, it’s currently under construction. Sandra is teaching me how to design and stuff, but I’m kinda slow.
2. Speaking of, I’m still kinda unsure what I really wanna do with this site
3. I’m disappointed in you, Miami Heat, but I still believe.
4. TGIF.
5. Don’t ask for my opinion, if I’m not allowed to disagree with you.
6.I tried to wait til June 28th, but shit happens. 4 is pretty dope.
7. Every year it becomes more clear that I prefer winter over summer. I even like spring, but we only have winter and summer here
8. My birthday is 12 days away
9. Aside from furthering my education and career, the biggest draw for me going back to school is In School Deferement.
10. http://piecesofbri.com/?p=129 although we kinda hopped right into summer, This still applies.
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Do.Not.Want.
Yesterday, I said that friendship was totally overrated. I’m gonna backtrack a little, mostly from the totally part. While a do believe having friends and relationships is important,(you can only talk to yourself for so long) I do feel as though if you are friends with someone, if you are the only one putting effort into the friendship, it’s a true waste of time.
I’m probably just an okay friend. I stay in my feelings a lot, and I don’t offer a lot of advice(there is nothing worse than giving somebody advice, and they either ignore it completely, or write you off as a hater for not agreeing with them). But I truly care about all of my friends, and would pretty much do whatever I can to help them. There was a time when I was going thru what I’m pretty sure was depression, and I wasn’t a help to anybody, even my damn self, but I’ve moved past that. I guess that’s why it bothers me that I don’t always get that back.
Imagine having a soul bearing conversation, where you are expressing shit you really don’t want to say out loud, because you think your thoughts and decisions are dumb, and you probably deserve what’s coming to you. Imagine the person you are talking to responds with “Oh.” Or they downplay what you’ve said and make inappropriate jokes. Even worse, they ignore you and start talking about something completely unrelated. Wackness.
Maybe I’m asking for too much. Maybe this is how this friend thing goes, and I have it all wrong. If that’s the case, I’m definitely cool on that.
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Yesss
When I’m not whining or crying about my life(which is pretty awesome despite what I write and say) I’m listening to music. Outside of waiting for King B, I don’t listen to a whole bunch of new music. Except for this guy, Frank Ocean. nostalgia,Ultra is still in heavy rotation, but I’m slowly making my way through The Lonny Breaux Collection. It’s 60+ songs but I got stuck on this one right here. I love this song.
ETA: I don’t know how to embed, lol
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Random Thoughts 6-6-2011
1. There has to be scientific evidence that Saturday and Sunday are shorter than the other 5 days of the week.
2. The weather hoe claims that Tuesday and Wednesday it will feel upwards of 100 degrees. It’s still spring
3.Pre menopausal women are just as messy, if not more so than teenager girls, and women in their early to mid twenties. I see evidence of this Monday through Friday, 7:30-4:30
4. GO HEAT!!!
5. After further consideration, I’m going back to school for an accounting degree. Still really not sure what I want to be when I grow up, and I kinda like my job now anyway, and they are paying for it so….
6. Rick Ross sucks.
7. E harmony and Match.com are starting to look like the move(j/k… kinda)
8. How is my coworker 3 years older than me, but looks old enough to my mom???
9. Still clueless as to what to do/what I want for my birthday.
10. Friendship is totally overrated(will explain at a later date)
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Gone
I really had no intentions of posting any pics of my transition, but Sandra made me, so here is my hair, after washing, with leave in conditioner. I was more concerned with using my new favorite app than how the picture actually came out, so it’s pretty bad. I don’t care much about that either
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Letting Go
Nanaw, my maternal grandmother was a pack rat. She saved everything, her belief was she needed to get the full value out of anything she bought. Peanut butter jars became canisters to hold other shit she probably didn’t need, hell she even soaked highlighters in water and some other stuff so she could keep using them after they dried out. After she passed in 2007, I noticed my mother beginning to do the things my Nanaw did,though I’m not sure if she was conscious of what she was doing or not. I say all this to say, while I don’t consider myself a pack rat, I fully admit I have a hard time letting things go.
I’ve been transitioning to natural hair since August. I told myself that in February, which would have been six months, I was gonna do the big chop, and let that be that, February came and I told my self, ” There’s no rush, you are doing a good job managing both textures, just chill. Cut it in April, it’ll be warmer, and that’s around the time you cut your hair anyway” April came, and I actually was ready. I went so far as to have the scissors in my hand, and just stopped. I didn’t even bother to make up a reason, I just got some weave, and went on about my business. For some reason I just couldn’t let go of the relaxed hair, which made me look at what else I was holding on to, for no real reason.
This led me to fake introspection( actually I was just drunk off Red Berry Ciroc ) and I realized I hold on to a lot of shit. Be it anger at my biological father, Jay’s father, other guys(this is a whole different post), people I just don’t like, whatever, I just hold on to shit, and act as if it doesn’t affect my the way I think and live, when it clearly does. I have friendships that are mostly based on the fact that I’ve known these people since I was 15, as opposed to us having anything in common at all. It would be easy to just say that I’m scared of change or some other lame excuse, but I think it’s a bit deeper than that, I just don’t know what. I’ve been seriously thinking about talking to somebody, a professional to sort some of this shit out, because I don’t know what the deal is.
I do know however I’m taking a couple of baby steps. I cut my hair last Friday. I’ve been talking to Jay’s dad, and while I don’t think I’ll ever look at him the way I did ten years ago, I’m a lot less angry, and I’ve accepted that he is what he is(not going there right now) and there’s probably a couple of more things I can do. I just don’t want to be that old lady with a house full of stuff that I really don’t need, so I’m getting a head start, and letting go now.
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SMH
Okay, first, I’m sure you are(or maybe you aren’t)wondering where the hell have I been? I’d love to tell you that my I’ve been too busy to write because I’ve crazy in love and any time not devoted to my love life is dedicated to my son, career, and quest to be a size six again. Wrong-o. While I have spent time slowly crawling the corporate ladder and giving Jay all the love I can(which he is pretty “whatever” about), I really haven’t done shit. I work out here and there, but I’m no closer to a six than I was 6 months ago(I haven’t gained weight, that counts for something, right?) and my love life is in the same place.. the pits of hell. If I were to be honest, I’d say the problem is likely me. I’m not, however, so I’m just gonna say I don’t know what the hell the problem is.
Truthfully speaking though, I have a terrible habit of ignoring the signs that shit won’t work out, and thinking that “It’ll be different this time”. I’ve been dealing with this guy off and on for a couple of years(NOT Tonio) and I really thought that shit would work out this time. We were both free of distractions(i.e. other ppl) and we were closer than we had ever been. Lately, though, things have been different. We don’t talk much, outside of making plans to hook up, and if we aren’t doing that, we are arguing about dumb shit. I was aware he was going through some family shit, and things at work, but I also figured that we were at the point where we could talk about that shit. Instead of talking to me about his frustrations, he decided to seek comfort in his ex. I don’t believe anything other than that was going on, but the fact that he couldn’t, no actually, wouldn’t talk to me pissed me off. Long story short, we got into a big fight about it, and I decided I wanted nothing more to do with him. We had this issue before, and I foolishly thought that things would be different this time. I’m not sure if I’m naive or dumb, but in either event, I’m over that shit.
And now we have arrived at the cliche portion of the show. Seriously though, I’m gonna take a break from this dating shit, and work on me. I’m going back to school this fall, I’m gonna aim for a promotion at work, and my son and I are gonna continue to kick some Autism ass( he is doing awesome by the way). It’s not that I invest too much time in guys or anything, but I just don’t have the energy to invest time in them anymore, right now anyway.. I’ll probably spend a lot more time in Hustler Hollywood though, lol.
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